Everyday, especially while living in Korea, we are in constant demand and trying to conform to the demands of work, society, friends, and ourselves, often at the expense of our own mental health. Stress, anxiety, depression, burnout, and anger, amongst other forms of mental and emotional exhaustion, can arise as we try to push ourselves to meet these demands.

Setting, and more importantly, maintaining boundaries can be key in protecting yourself and your mental health from these effects. But what are boundaries, why are they important, and how do we use them?

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are clear guidelines that define what you are and are not comfortable with. Boundaries come in different varieties; They can be physical, emotional, financial, energy, time, or other. Anytime you establish clear guidelines, you are creating boundaries to help communicate your needs and expectations to others, helping them to respect your limitations. 

However, bear in mind that boundaries are not meant to control others’ behavior towards you, but let them know how you will accept being treated. Letting someone know your boundaries does not mean that they will respect them, and if someone does violate your boundaries, what you are able to control is your behavior in response to this. Setting, communicating, and maintaining boundaries are all key in making sure that boundaries are respected.

Why are boundaries important for your mental health?

• Reduced stress and anxiety: By saying "no" and prioritizing your needs, you free yourself from the burden of overcommitment. This reduces stress and anxiety, allowing you to focus on what truly matters.

• Improved self-esteem: When you respect your boundaries and assert your needs, you cultivate a sense of self-worth and confidence. This empowers you to make decisions aligned with your values and goals.

• Stronger relationships: Clear boundaries foster healthy and respectful relationships. Open communication about your needs helps to prevent misunderstandings and resentment, leading to stronger bonds with loved ones.

• Increased resilience: Setting boundaries protects you from emotional manipulation and negativity. This builds your resilience and strengthens your ability to cope with difficult situations.

• Enhanced well-being: By creating a safe and supportive environment for yourself, you cultivate a sense of well-being and inner peace. This allows you to thrive both personally and professionally.

What keeps people from setting boundaries?

Heartmanity’s blog gives a great list of reasons why people avoid setting boundaries, despite their importance to our health. 

• We want to be liked.

• We seek to please others.

• We are afraid of hurting other people’s feelings or of their reactions.

• We are accustomed to being dependent on others.

• We are afraid of rejection or being alone.

• We feel overly responsible for others.

• We don’t like or are afraid of conflict.

• We aren’t clear about what we want so it's easier to just agree.

• Our boundaries were disrespected or violated as children.

For these reasons, along with many others, setting boundaries is easier said than done. However, it becomes easier over time with practice and after seeing how boundaries give you control of your life. 

How do you set your boundaries?

Setting boundaries can be challenging, but it's an essential investment in your mental health. Here are some tips to get you started:

• Identify your needs and values: Reflect on what's important to you and what drains your energy. This will help you determine where to set your boundaries.

• Communicate clearly and assertively: Express your boundaries confidently and directly, without apology. Use "I" statements to focus on your own feelings and needs.

• Be consistent and fair: Don't be afraid to enforce your boundaries. Consistency demonstrates the seriousness of your requests and builds trust with others.

• Start small and gradually: Don't try to change everything overnight. Begin with small steps and gradually implement your boundaries as you feel comfortable.

• Seek support: Talk to someone you trust if you're struggling to set boundaries. They can provide guidance and support throughout the process.

Things to remember:

• “No” is not a bad word: It is okay to say “no” to plans, goals, and expectations that require too much from you. Naturally, it may be difficult to say the first few times, but as you get more practice, the word “no” should become easier to say and will help your mental health. “No” is usually heard best when said calmly and clearly, such as “I can’t go out tonight. I would like to rest.” or “I am not comfortable answering that question. Thank you for understanding.”

• People may not know your boundaries unless you let them know: Communication of your boundaries is key; while some people simply do not respect boundaries, the majority simply may not be aware that they are making you uncomfortable. Communicating your discomfort may help alleviate some of these misunderstandings.

• Other people also need to maintain their boundaries: It is important to maintain our boundaries for our mental health, but we have to be aware that  friends, family, strangers on the street, also need to protect theirs. Setting your boundaries may conflict with others’ boundaries. A common example is a relationship where one partner wants to have kids and one doesn’t. It may take exploring to find out exactly what your boundaries are and where they overlap. The sad truth is that sometimes they don’t. It is important to accept this possibility while establishing your boundaries.

• Boundaries change: We set our boundaries according to what we need in our lives at that moment. It’s okay if they change depending on your circumstances. Some boundaries may change from person to person, place to place, or moment to moment. Be flexible with yourself and allow your boundaries to fit your needs in the moment.

For a little inspiration, can check out these lessons from our best teachers, kids:

Remember, setting boundaries is not selfish; it's self-care. By prioritizing your mental health and well-being, you create a foundation for a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life. So take charge, set your boundaries, and watch your mental health blossom!