To those who have endured the challenges of growing up in abusive families, I want you to know that you are not alone on this journey. Your strength and resilience shine brightly, and I would like to offer warmth, understanding, and support every step of the way.

It is not uncommon for people who have experienced an abusive household to grapple with conflicting emotions—anger and love toward their parents, leading to feelings of guilt. Some may have chosen to distance themselves from their families, while others have repeatedly attempted to repair their family relationships, only to experience a sense of helplessness.

I would like to emphasize the importance of setting healthy boundaries when dealing with abusive parents. This often involves creating some distance from the parental relationship as part of the healing process. For those who grew up in abusive households, acknowledging their parents' wrongdoings can be a crucial step toward relief and healing. Validation of their experiences and recognition of their parents' abusive behavior can provide a sense of understanding and comfort.

However, it's important not to dwell on the past to the point of demonizing one's parents, as this can hinder recovery and affect other relationships. I've heard stories from people who realized they inadvertently perpetuated the same hurtful patterns they experienced from their parents. Demonizing your parents can result in lingering anger, resentment, and bitterness. Moreover, severing ties with your parents can be painful, as the desire for their love persists, even when rational thinking tells us it may not be available. The emotional connection remains strong because, after all, they are our parents.

Here are some important guidelines to consider:

1. Avoid Demonizing Your Parents and Acknowledge What Your Parents Did: 

Labeling your parents as inherently bad people leaves no room for forgiveness or potential reconciliation. This can cultivate bitterness and grudges that negatively impact other relationships, whether they are social, familial, or professional. Instead of labeling your parents as bad or evil, start by acknowledging the specific wrongs they did. For instance, if your parents neglected you during your upbringing, acknowledge their neglect by saying, "My parents neglected me, which was wrong." This approach addresses their actions as wrong without casting them as entirely bad individuals.

2. Recognize Your Life Values and Goals: 

Don't let your past dictate your life. Establish your own values and needs, which will help you move away from the influence of the past. Focus on living life in accordance with your choices and desires, rather than reacting to your parents' actions. If you find yourself making decisions solely in reaction to what your parents have done, take a moment to reflect on what you truly want for your life. Remember that the same decision can be driven by different motives. For example, an individual may think, “I'd like to be single” for self-directed reasons, “because I want to explore more adventures on my own,” or for past-dictated reasons, “because my parents had a terrible marriage, and I am afraid of having a miserable marriage like theirs.”

It is natural that we often make decisions influenced by our parents. However, it's helpful to consider what you genuinely want first, especially when thoughts of what your parents have done negatively cross your mind as you make a choice.

3. Acknowledge Your Boundaries and Communicate:

Identify what consistently troubles you in your relationships and learn to communicate your boundaries with respect and kindness. If others don't respect the boundaries you express, be prepared to set firmer ones. In the same way, respect others’ boundaries. It is their choice whether they comply with your wishes or not. We cannot make others do what we want. If we try to do so, we may end up manipulating them to fit our desires. It's common for us to be so focused on our own boundaries that we overlook those of others.

4. Work on Forgiveness:

Forgiveness is not about condoning wrongdoings but accepting what has happened and choosing not to retaliate for the wrongs done to you. You can still disapprove of your parents' actions without harboring hatred toward them. Forgiveness may necessitate setting firm boundaries or creating distance from your parents to prevent bitterness and grudges from taking root. If you find yourself inadvertently hurting your parents as they hurt you, it's worth considering maintaining distance until you regain control over your anger. Communicating your boundaries with your parents may also be necessary. In some cases, it may be best to let go of the relationship with your parents if it is causing ongoing anger and resentment that significantly disrupts your occupation, academic achievements, or your important relationships.

Dealing with parents who continue to hurt your feelings is a complex and challenging journey. It involves establishing boundaries, acknowledging past wrongs, and striving for forgiveness while prioritizing your own values and own well-being. The path to healing and moving forward often begins with self-understanding and empathy, not just for yourself but also for your parents. The decision to reconcile with or let go of your parents is deeply personal, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution. 

It's crucial to understand that you are not alone in this struggle, and support is available from friends, family, or professional therapists who can provide guidance and a listening ear. You deserve a life free from abuse, filled with love, respect, and understanding.

Written by: EK Seo, Ph.D., LPC (Link)