Many of us dream of living 'happily ever after' with our partners, yet frequently, people encounter similar issues in new relationships as they did in previous ones. We often find ourselves repeating the same relationship patterns, even with different partners. For example, you might have left a relationship because you didn't feel validated, only to enter a new one where your feelings were initially acknowledged, but eventually, you felt invalidated again. We are often told that we've chosen partners with undesirable traits. We may wonder why we keep attracting the same type of partners. To answer this question, it is essential to realize that we tend to recreate similar dynamics even with different people. If, for instance, you have felt unheard your whole life, it might be more about difficulty in communicating your needs and boundaries rather than always choosing the wrong person.

Focusing solely on whether you're ready for a relationship can lead to feelings of inadequacy or unpreparedness. Furthermore, fixating on what's wrong with yourself or your partners often results in blame and resentment, which can harm relationships. To build a healthy relationship, consider these key factors and focus on the areas you'd like to make improvement:  

• Emotional Well-being: Are you emotionally prepared to handle the ups and downs that come with any relationship? Are you genuinely content with yourself and your life, or are you seeking a relationship to fill a void or boost your self-esteem? While a romantic relationship can enhance your self-esteem and happiness, relying solely on a partner for emotional well-being can be overwhelming for both of you and may create emotional distance. Instead, work on adopting the perspective like this ‘I would like my partner to support me while also respecting my partner’s autonomy and choices.’

• Self-Awareness: Do you know your life goals, values, needs, and boundaries? Clarifying and communicating these aspects will help you see yourself as a valuable person in any relationship. Remember, most people will treat you the way you treat yourself. If you continually allow people to cross your boundaries without expressing your discomfort, they might unknowingly continue doing so. Write down your personal values, needs, and boundaries and contemplate how to communicate them effectively.

• Healing from Past Relationships: Have you processed and healed from past relationships? Fear of abandonment or past traumas can bring emotional baggage into a new partnership, redirecting your focus toward your past rather than your current partner. Seeking healing from your past relationship through the current one can hinder your current relationship. Work on your recovery, which may include journaling, reading self-help books, talking to friends, or seeking professional help.

• Independence: Are you comfortable being independent? Can you manage your finances and your physical and emotional health on your own? Seeking someone to complete you may lead to power struggles in relationships and feelings of being controlled. If needed, seek resources to become more independent.

• Communication Skills: Can you resolve conflicts through open communication? Are you a good listener who makes others feel understood? Can you express your feelings and thoughts effectively and respectfully? Identify what's challenging in your communication and start by improving your listening skills, as effective communication involves active listening, not just expressing yourself.

• Time and Energy: Are you willing to invest time, energy, and resources in a relationship? Can you balance your time and responsibilities? Work on establishing your priorities and life goals, and consider how you'll manage your time and energy.

• Social Support: Do you have a supportive network of friends and family? A strong support system can assist you in navigating the challenges that often arise in relationships. You might also discover supportive individuals through your communities, social media, place of worship, or workplace. Just one person can be enough as long as you feel supported and safe to share. The quality of support matters more than the number of people.

• Acceptance of Imperfection: Are you able to accept imperfections and flaws in both yourself and your partners? It is common to think 'I should be like this' or 'my partner ought to be like that,' which can hurt the relationship. Instead, work on perspectives like 'I can be like this,' 'I want to be like that,' and 'I appreciate it if my partner can do this.'

There's no specific timeline for when you should be ready for a relationship. People become ready at different stages in their lives. Take time to reflect on these factors, and consider seeking advice from a therapist or mentor if you have any uncertainties about the points mentioned above. Ultimately, when you feel confident in your ability to contribute positively to a relationship and are open to sharing your life with someone else, you can build a healthier relationship.

Written by: EK Seo, Ph.D., LPC (Link)